and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
