Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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