I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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