i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
