John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
