Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
