textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
