I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
