You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
