Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
