My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
