I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
