My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize