I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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