wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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