dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
