Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize