my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
