I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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