If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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