i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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