Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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