I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
