You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
