I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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