Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This is my gift to your gina
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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