So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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