My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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