I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize