I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
