why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
