Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
