I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
