I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
