my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
