I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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