ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
