i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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