girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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