hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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