She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
