I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
