its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My day in three words: secret purse cake
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
