you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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