I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
