i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
