Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
