it's like iHOP with fire
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
