I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
