My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
