Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
