I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
