this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The air was thick with penises
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
