My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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