Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
