This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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