That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
