i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
a search helicopter?!
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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