Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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