This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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