It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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