When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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